Memorizing Scripture

So I'm trying out a new songwriting technique to help myself, and hopefully others to memorize Scripture. Here's a go at it!

This is a more finished product...Colossians 3:1-4...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AG4HmTT1ZCw

Daniel Fast

A couple of days ago, I started the Daniel Fast. To be quite honest, at first I was very resistant to doing it, because I know how little willpower I possess. I've never been a person with a lot of discipline, especially when it comes to food. Since high school, food has been my god, my comfort, my refuge, my love, and ironically, my worst enemy. Eating has been a constant roller coaster ride for me, going from one extreme to the other. I think Beth Moore penned it perfectly when she said in her book, Praying God's Word, "....one area exerts tremendous influence over the others." I have found this to be very true in my own life.

Several of the girls on my team to Uganda were talking about doing this fast when they would return to the States. Of course, in my mind, I'm thinking, yeah, I love the thought of it, but I'll never survive. I have NO discipline! So when I got the email earlier this week about the fast and some encouragement to do it, in my heart I was like Noooo!!! But the Lord was so sweet and gentle in His conviction. It was not a forceful, condemning, legalistic hammering. Instead, the Lord revealed my sin and my unwillingness to let Him take control of not only my struggle with food, but so many other areas of my life. And it was His kindness to show me that that led me to repentance and surrender. So now, here I am, on day two, and I have 19 more days to go. It has been an enriching, yet challenging time thus far. But I find myself running to the Lord and His promises in the Word in those moments of weakness - which is EXACTLY where He wants us. ""My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9) I've got a long way to go in this journey, but if you think about it, please pray for me that I will be strengthened to endure to seek God's face. I'm not sharing this with you to be ostentatious or to brag, but to encourage you. I read an article by Dr. Bill Bright and he shared something about fasting that was very enlightening to me (I included the link to his site at the bottom):

Many people are reluctant to tell others that they are fasting so they will avoid the sin of the Pharisees: fasting just to gain recognition for themselves. I strongly believe that attitude is a result of a wrong interpretation of our Lord's teaching and that it is a trick of the enemy who does not want us to fast, nor to share with your loved ones, neighbors and friends the benefits of fasting.

By isolating ourselves from the support of other Christians, we will be more susceptible to doubts and negative influences (both human and demonic). We need the prayer shield of our Christian friends and family members to help us continue when we feel alone and when the enemy tempts us to give up Our Lord as he did Jesus Christ. Eventually, people will notice you are not eating.

For more resources on the Daniel Fast or fasting in general, you can check out these websites:

http://daniel-fast.com/about.html

http://www.ultimatedanielfast.com/2009/10/what-is-daniel-fast.html

http://www.cru.org/training-and-growth/devotional-life/personal-guide-to-fasting/index.htm

Encountering God in a Cave

My walk with the Lord has been quite a challenge since I got home on Saturday. It's hard to fully explain my emotions and thoughts, but simply put, I've been feeling extremely sad, in a daze, and completely lost. I've been going, going, going since January and now everything has come to a standstill. I'm still trying to process my trip to Africa, but I've been bombarded with fears of the future and what I'm supposed to do with my life next. You are probably thinking, What selfish thoughts! I know, how can I be thinking so much of myself after all I saw and experienced in a different country? As much as I wish I could not think about life here, the reality is, this is my home right now and the Lord has work for me to do here. I believe God is at work in my heart and I trust that He is doing much more than what I can see right now. I cling to Philippians 1:6, which says, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

As I woke to the Holy Spirit's nudging early this morning, I got my coffee and opened to the Psalms. It was the only book in the Bible I could find strength to read. I'm so thankful that God gave us the Psalms. It's like they speak what's in your heart when you can't find the words to pray or when your mind is too exhausted and fogged to think straight. The Lord is so faithful. He knew I had no idea which chapter or what verses to read, so He led me to Psalm 142. It was literally the first passage I opened to. I was expecting to fumble through the pages quite a while before actually settling down.

"With my voice I cry out to the Lord; with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.

I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him.

When my spirit faints within me, you know my way!

In the path where I walk they have hidden a trap for me.

Look to the right and see:

there is none who takes notice of me;

no refuge remains to me;

no one cares for my soul.

I cry to you, O Lord;

I say, "You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.

Attend to my cry, for I am brought very low!

Deliver me from my persecutors, for they are too strong for me!

Bring me out of prison, that I may give thanks to your name!

The righteous will surround me,

for you will deal bountifully with me."

David wrote this psalm when he was trapped in a cave. He was in a place where nothing else could be a refuge to him. He could only look to the Lord to be his refuge - his hiding place, his comfort, his portion. One commentary from Charles Spurgeon's Treasury of David said, "Caves make good closets for prayer; their gloom and solitude are helpful to the exercise of devotion." David calls aloud to the Lord and "pours out his complaint before him." There is something so significant about David's audible cry to the Lord: to me, it uncovers his utter brokenness, helplessness, and desperation before God. I love that although his spirit faints within him, and the road ahead of him is blurry, he trusts that the Lord will guide him.

From a commentary on Psalm 142: (beautifully put)

I wish you much comfort from David's thought: When my spirit was overwhelmed within me, then thou knewest my path. The Lord is not withdrawn to a great distance, but his eye is upon you. He sees you not with the indifference of a mere spectator; but he observes with attention, he knows, he consider's your path: yea, he appoints it, and every circumstance about it is under his direction. Your trouble began at the hour he saw best, it could not come before; and he has marked the degree of it to a hair's breadth, and its duration to a minute. He knows likewise how your spirit is affected; and such supplies of grace and strength, and in such seasons as he sees needful, he will afford in due season. So that when things appear darkest, you shall still be able to say, Though chastened, not killed. Therefore hope in God, for you shall yet praise him. -- John Newton (1725-1807), in "Cardiphonia."

Once again, the Word did not fail to bring my soul the encouragement I needed today. Although I have no idea what the next step is at this moment, I can rest in knowing that the Lord does. And even though we might find ourselves in a "cave" of solitude and gloom, loneliness and despair, God will meet us there if we just look and cry out to Him.

The Lord meets us where we are..."For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.....God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." ~Romans 5:6, 8

"Send Us to the Nations"

A friend of mine sent me the link to this song...listen and worship God...

https://www.facebook.com/jarodespymusic?v=app_178091127385&app_data=eyJjb250ZW50LnRyYWNrIjoiOTMwOTQyMDgyMzkzMjkyODAifQ%3D%3D

Home from Africa!

Yoga! (That is hello in the Ateso language!)

I made it home safely from East Africa on Saturday afternoon. I think I am finally readjusting to American time. I caught up on some much needed rest Saturday evening and all day Sunday. I am praising the Lord that I am starting to feel better physically. I had gotten sick near the end of our trip and lost my voice over the past few days due to a really bad sore throat. I honestly have no idea how to begin describing my experience over the past two weeks. I am still trying to process everything, so please be patient with me. As of right now, I am struggling to know how to transition back into my normal routine. I have not left my parents' house since I got home from the airport on Saturday. I am somewhat fearful of getting out, because I don't know how I am going to react to the culture here. It would seem like being away for two weeks isn't enough time to really adjust to a different culutre, but being back in the States has made me realize how much I had adjusted. While I was in Uganda, my "problems" and worries at home were forgotten, and even now, they seem so far away. I feel like I'm in a dream, but eventually I am going to have to snap back to the reality of my life here in the US. I have to continue the work here in America...in Raleigh. But now I have a different perspective on life, especially in the midst of a career-driven, money-hungry, success-climbing society. My prayer is that I wouldn't slip back into the same mentality I had before this trip. My prayer is that I would take the treasures of what God taught me and did in my heart there and do something with them here.

Grace-Motivated . . . Dieting?

Grace-Motivated . . . Dieting?

I find this article to be very encouraging relating to diet and exercise.  I have only just begun to learn to walk in grace when it comes to this vicious cycle of maintaining a healthy lifestyle.  Hope this can be a helpful resource to those of you who struggle in this area, too.

Rest

Rest. This has been a constant theme in my life lately, and something that the Lord is graciously and gently pressing into me. Admittedly, it is something that I fall short of fully understanding and doing. I feel the intense pressures of trying to keep up with our fast-paced society almost daily. In order to win the approval of man (because I'm such a people pleaser), I tend to fill my life with unnecessary things and activities because I want to impress others and satisfy my selfish desires to appear "successful" and "productive." Don't get me wrong, success and productivity are not bad things. It's how you achieve them and perceive them that can be sinful. But to those of you who can relate to me in this, is it not just exhausting?! Draining? Life-sucking?! The moment I wake up, I feel the battle, the war waging between my flesh and spirit, the choice between resting in Christ or giving in to the world's demands. Now, I'm not just talking about a physical rest, but a spiritual and emotional rest. I am talking about the kind of rest that Jesus promises in Matthew 11:28-30 -"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Let me first preface by saying, I am in NO WAY a master of the Scriptures or a great theologian, but I am in a continual process of learning His Word. I don't have all the answers, but I believe God is using His Word to transform me, and I am always open to corrections and more resources to gain wisdom. With that said, the kind of rest I'm talking about is the kind that Jesus gives us in exchange for our burdens and weariness. Think about that for a second: Jesus, the perfect Son of God, the One who holds all things together, who took on all the weight of our sin, says give Me your burdens and I will give you rest. What a trade! That is mind-blowing to me, especially when I try to hold on to my burdens. Why on earth would I want to hold on to these heavy loads of bricks when Jesus wants to freely give me rest and relief? And He can handle ALL OF IT! Could it be a control issue? A trust issue? Both maybe? I don't have to earn His rest....I simply have to trust Him. But it is impossible to be at rest when you are trying to shoulder everything yourself. So...it starts with surrender. It was only a few weeks ago when I was leading worship at a retreat that I heard the best description of surrender. The speaker said it something like this: "Surrender is both a literal and metaphorical collapsing into the arms of Jesus." I love that! Since then, I haven't been able to get that phrase out of my head. It has become my prayer every time I realize that I am trusting in my own abilities or strengths. I pray, Lord, I collapse into your arms - I surrender. That word, "collapse," really helps me to visualize my reliance upon the Lord. It's beautiful! And once we 'collapse,' we are finally realizing where our resting place is - Jesus. He is always our place of rest - no matter where we are, whether we are at work or at home, in a crowd of people or alone, in the valley or on the mountaintop, whether asleep or awake, struggling through sin after sin - we can rest in the finished work of Christ. I love what Jerry Bridges says in his book, Respectable Sins, "not only does the gospel prepare me to face my sin, it also frees me up to do so." So we can rest in the assurance of Christ that our sin is forgiven "before [we] can even acknowledge it, let alone begin to deal with it." I can go to God to confess my sin and know that He has already forgiven me. What beautiful truth!


I want to share with you a specific experience that I had just recently that has allowed me to apply these truths. About a month ago, I picked up a second job in the afternoons to make some extra money to contribute to my trip to Uganda. I already get up at 4 in the morning to go to my first job, so needless to say, I'm pretty tired by mid-afternoon. The Lord has also placed some really awesome opportunities to do some traveling and leading worship on the weekends, which takes time to prepare for. It didn't take very long after the new job started, though, for me to realize that I had taken on way too much. I began to see that my focus was all over the place. I was trying to "do it all," to prove to myself that I was self-sufficient and that I could handle it. Then one day as I was spending some rushed time with the Lord, and crying out to Him for help because I was so weak and drained, I heard God speak so clearly to me. I was in Hebrews 12, reading, "...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith..." I felt like the Lord was saying so gently, Where is your focus, Kristie? As I continued to process and let the Word digest, the Lord walked along side of me to get to the root of my anxiety. I chose to pick up an extra job, because somewhere in my heart was disbelief- disbelief that God would actually provide the finances for me to go to Uganda, and take care of my expenses while I am gone. This was my "back up" plan, you know, in case God wasn't going to come through (that is what my heart was saying - how deceitful!). In that moment of clarity, I collapsed. I collapsed into the loving, merciful, grace-giving arms of Christ, breathing out all the air I had locked in, and finally gasping for breath, I cried, "I surrender, Lord! Have Your way in me!" You see, I had taken matters into my own hands, rather than resting in Christ, resting in His promises that He would be faithful - and He has been and will continue to be faithful. God is not a drill Sergent, as a wise woman once said. He's not yelling at us, screaming, "Come on! Move it! Go, go, go! You're not working hard enough! You're not doing enough! Do more! Be more!" and so on and so on...No, God's voice is gentle. He is humble in heart. And His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I have truly only scraped the tip of the iceberg here. God's Word is like a never-ending well, full of rich, life-giving water. I will leave you with a verse I continually go back to when I find my soul getting anxious and uneasy about life or I doubt God's goodness to me..."Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." (Psalm 116:7)

Are You Playing It Safe?

1 Corinthians 1:18 - "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God."

Matthew 10:37-39 - "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

Matthew 28:18-20 - Jesus said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."

Luke 9:62 - "Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

Why did I post these Scripture verses? Well, after a very brief conversation with someone today, I felt like I needed to do some deep soul searching regarding my plans this summer. What I received during my time with Jesus this morning, listening and allowing Him to search my heart, was a lot more truth and encouragement than I expected - I love how sweet He is to us! So, what is it that I am doing this summer you may be asking. Well... I have an amazing opportunity to travel overseas to serve the people of Uganda for a couple weeks in June. I know God is leading me there - let me just make that clear first. But today, I began to feel a spirit of fear and condemnation creep into my heart so quickly when I felt that someone thought I was crazy for choosing to do this. So, I immediately ran to Jesus, seeking comfort and affirmation that I was truly following Him, that the thoughts I was hearing were not truth. And what I ended up with, was an even deeper longing for Christ than the day before. My faith in Him is just a little stronger than yesterday. What Satan intends for evil, God uses it for astoundingly good things. Through that whole process, I was challenged to make a case for why I am going. These are just a few reasons...

Why am I going to Uganda? That's a fair question to ask. Why would I risk my life to go to a "dangerous" part of the world for God? (As some have termed the trip, "dangerous"). Is God not going to be with me in Uganda? Of course He is! Should I just "play it safe" and remain here in the states, particularly because I'm in a "safe" community? So that I don't risk the chance of getting harmed? Am I really guaranteed that nothing will happen to me here in America? I would be a fool to think so.

So back to my first question: Why am I going? Let me give my first and most important answer to that: because the Lord Jesus has commanded it. I belong to Christ and no other. I answer to Christ before I answer to you or anybody else. He is my Commander, my Chief, my King. I gave up all rights to call the shots in my life when I surrendered to Him. Do I have a choice or not? Of course I do. But by not going or just refusing to go, I would be choosing to disobey God and dishonor His name. God sent His One and only Son, Jesus, into this world to live a perfect life that nobody could ever live, to die a painful, excruciating death in order to bear all the wrath of God for all my sin (in my place), and conquered death by coming alive on the third day. God did all of that for me and all I can say is, "It's just not safe, Lord. It's a little too uncomfortable for me. It's too dangerous. Sorry." First of all, I'm not talking about pure ignorance. God, of course, wants us to be wise and use our brains so that we can be most effective for the sake of the gospel. What I'm saying is that we cannot sit on our hands when God is clearly calling us to GO! I had been praying and asking the Lord to show me where to go this year and I won't go into all the details, but He opened up this opportunity for me to be used by Him. I couldn't think of a reason NOT to go. And I wasn't about to miss out on seeing the awesome power of God displayed in my own life.

You can tell I'm kind of passionate about this, huh? Well, I am! Haha! My small group and I have been studying the book of Joshua in the Old Testament. Something that has really stuck out to me, especially in the past few days, is when the Israelites were crossing the Jordan. God had commanded that the priests were to carry the ark before the rest of the people and were to stand in the river. That was the extent of their direction. God was going to cut off the water flow and cause it to stand up in a heap. So, what did they do? They did it. The priests had to get their feet in the water first, though, before He would stop the flow. Amazing. Even though God had told them He would stop the water from flowing and stand it up, they still had to trust Him that He would do it. How many times do we question God even after we've heard Him speak His word so clearly to us? How many times have we heard...yet did nothing about it...or just ignored it.

I understand that the trip is like a blink - it's only for 2 weeks, so how much can I actually do there that will be effective? And is it even worth going for such a short time? I've been told, "well, there's only so much you can do." True. There is only so much I can do, but I'd rather do some rather than nothing at all.

Bottom line is, I'm following Jesus. Read Luke 9:57-62. It might cause you to weep. But they are Jesus' words.

"As they [the disciples and Jesus] were walking along the road, a man said to him, "I will follow you wherever you go." Jesus replied, "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head."" .....So, will I follow Him even if it means I will be without a home?

"He said to another man, "Follow me." But the man replied, "Lord, first let me go and bury my father." Jesus said to him, "Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God."

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God."

Are you playing it safe? I'd encourage you to evaluate your life. And believe me, every day is a battle between denying my flesh and giving into my selfishness. And I lean more heavily on the selfish side. I am just so thankful for the grace and mercy God sheds on me daily to keep striving to follow Him wholeheartedly.

A Single Woman's Prayer

This is a prayer that I wrote today that I hope will bring encouragement to other single women (or even men). Never underestimate your value as a single person- it may not be forever, but it is what God has intended for you now. "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor; no good think does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless." (Psalm 84:11)

Lord, may I never hoard my time as a single woman, selfishly living to feed my fleshly desires, but may I give of my time sacrificially. In this blessed season of singleness, for that is what it is, because it has been given to me by You, may I live to serve You and Your Bride. May I see the needs of others and rise to meet those needs with the strength You provide. May I live to encourage others just as I would want to be encouraged. Grant me continual contentment even though some of the strongest desires of my heart go unfulfilled. May I cling to You as my only treasure. May I daily strive to hear the sweet voice of Jesus and may I never forget what it sounds like. May I run after purity and holiness in a world that scoffs such a concept. May my heart sing joyfully as each morning dawns and recognize the grace that swallows me. And may I acknowledge the One who gives me that grace. Help me to make the most of this time so that I will never look back with regret. Let every dream, desire, want, ambition, and passion be for Your glory and to see You famous. Help me to walk faithfully before You, in private and in public, only because of my love and devotion to You - not for any other's approval of me. You are God and I belong to You. Amen.

Healthy Peanut Butter and Banana Smoothie

I was really in the mood for a peanut butter and banana smoothie so I searched and found several recipes, and ended up creating my own tasty version. This is delicious, full of good nutrients, and it will fill you up! It's packed with protein and not too high in fat (really only the peanut buttter, which is good fat). The serving size is about a cup and I estimated about 293 calories and 9 grams of fat (give or take). Mmm...yummy!!

Ingredients:

1 medium banana (frozen and cut into about 6 chunks)

1/2 c. low-fat soy milk (I used Silk- plain)

1/4 c. non-fat Greek Honey yogurt

1 1/2 Tbs. natural peanut butter (I always use my favorite, Skippy's Natural, Creamy)

2 ice cubes

Directions:

1. Blend all ingredients together in a blender, except for the banana and ice cubes. After first set of ingredients is blended, add banana and ice and blend.

2. Enjoy!

One of my favorite Fall sweet treats :)

Growing up, my mom used to always make pumpkin cookies at this time of year. They are the melt-in-your-mouth, scrum-didily-umptious kind of of treat. I always enjoy baking them and sharing them with friends and family. I decided to let you in on the secret family recipe :)

Pumpkin Cookies

Ingredients:

1 cup butter/margarine

1 cup sugar1 cup mashed pumpkin

1 egg

2 cups flour

1 tsp. baking soda

1 tsp. cinnamon

1 tsp. salt

Frosting:

3 Tbs butter

1 cup powdered sugar

4 tsps. milk (this is tricky...this is what it calls for but I've found that b/t 1/8 and 1/4 c. works fine..you will soon see :) )

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla

Directions:

1. Cream butter and sugar.

2. Add pumpkin and blend. Add egg and blend.

3. Add sifted dry ingredients and combine well.

4. Drop by tsp. onto greased cookie sheets 1 1/2" apart and bake at 375 degrees for 10 to 12 minutes or until done

5. Make frosting by melting butter, adding in milk and brown sugar and cook until sugar dissolves. Cool and add powdered sugar and vanilla; blend well. Spread on warm cookies. Yields 4 to 5 dozen.

*Tip on frosting: this can be very tricky..I've been making these cookies for years and it seems like the frosting is something you just have to play with. If it seems too runny, you can add more powdered sugar..if it seems too thick, you just need to add more milk. It's kind of like trial and error. Haha!

Also, the cookies don't take long to make, but between waiting for the cookies to cook and cool and icing the cookies, it takes a while. This is a good multi-tasking project.

Bon apetite!

Kristian Stanfill - Forever Reign

The Rock On Which I Stand

I had decided to take a break from classes this semester and focus on other things. I started teaching voice this fall on top of my other job and the Lord has given me some opportunities to lead worship for a couple women's retreats. I thought I would have a little more free time, but boy was I wrong! It seems like this has been one of the busiest times of my life!

The Lord has been doing a lot in my life - teaching me some hard truths to swallow, using me in ways I never imagined, stretching me and taking me deeper with Him. He is always so sweet to His children.

One of the most profound things I am coming to grips with is the fact that Christ is the only Rock on which I can stand. If you grew up in the church, you are probably familiar with the old hymn "On Christ the Solid Rock I stand." The reality that Christ is the foundation on which I build my life upon should never become dull or redundant. I see more and more how Christ is really the only constant, unchanging One. I can never put my trust in man or in a job or career or the hope of marriage or riches and wealth or anything. God has shown me in my own life how all of those things come and go, but He is always with me. I've had my hopes shot over lost jobs, broken relationships, unfulfilled dreams, and money that has been sucked out of my bank account. And He always brings me back to who He is and His unfailing love and mercy.

When I arrive at the end of my life, I want to know that I pursued Christ with all my heart and strength. That I treasured Him in the way that I lived and loved. In a sermon last night, the pastor shared how we are not to be guilted into sharing Christ with the world, but we should spread the gospel simply out of our love for Jesus. Oh, how I want to know the depths and riches of Christ! How I want to spread God's fame just because I love Him and I believe that the gospel is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes. I need His help so much.

I will leave you with this from Jeremiah 17:5-8:

"Thus says the LORD: "Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the LORD. He is like a shrub in a desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when the heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

It's Just Another Number

Not a lot of people may know this about me, but I have struggled with my weight on and off since I was in high school. I've always been conscious about what I eat, whether it may be healthy or unhealthy. It has been something that has consumed my thoughts day in and day out. Some days it is more prominent, but regardless, it is a struggle that I continually battle. There are very few days that go by that I don't weigh myself - let's just say that it can be a very unhealthy obsession. But what I find remarkably amazing is that when I don't weigh myself, I feel free and less likely to obsess over feeling either "really fat" or "skinny." I'm even less likely to overeat, because I don't feel depressed over being a pound up or two. The Lord definitely has shown me (over and over) that this is an idol in my life that needs to be smashed. I see this more readily when I get on the scale and I've lost a few pounds - Oh, life is good and my mood has changed. But if I've gained even one pound, I'm so distraught and I beat myself up about it. I am an advocate for taking care of the body, because we have been entrusted by God to do so. But because we are so apt to taking anything good and turning it into an idol, I'm learning I've got to let go of this. I need the Lord so much in this area of my life, because it is an area that I feel like I can control, yet my failures clearly expose my need to let God control it. I'm once again reminded that my identity does not lie in my appearance or a number, but in Christ. I am so thankful that the gospel applies to every area of our lives, even this one. Although I fail in making wise decisions about what I eat, looking to food to satisfy me instead of God, Christ's blood covers even that. Although I find myself back at the point where a number on the scale determines my attitude instead of Christ, His grace is sufficient for me and His mercies are new every morning.

If you too are like me in this, I encourage you to continue putting your hope in Christ. Meditate on the truth always, but even when you feel defeated. And remember that His mercies are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness!

A New Season

I wanted to give a little update on what God has been doing in my life in the past month and a half, or basically since my third semester of seminary came to an end. One season has definitely come to a close and I have ventured into a new one. This season is much different from the last one - some wonderful surprises and sweet blessings. I cannot forget, however, that the old season was full of blessings, too; bitter-sweet blessings I like to call them. They were the kind of blessings that were sometimes painful to accept, yet proved to be some of the richest blessings God could give me. I'm talking about the things that strip you of your pride and cut you so deep to the heart that you are only left completely exposed and bare before a holy and righteous God, and are humbled that He would take you in through Christ and love you no matter how disgusting your heart is.

As some of you already know, I moved back in with my parents in November of 2009 from living in Charleston, SC, which has been a humbling experience in of itself. I came back to Raleigh for two reasons. One, I felt led by the Lord to go to Seminary and learn more about the Lord and to develop my musical and leadership skills. Two, I wanted to escape my current situation. You may draw the conclusion that I probably felt led to move to Raleigh because I wanted to get out of Charleston. That may be true, but in any case, the Lord brought me here and I don't believe it was an accident. I entered the spring semester of 2010 with simply a passion for Christ and worship music, but I honestly had no clue where God would take me. I had so many people ask me what I wanted to do with my seminary degree, and I would answer shyly with, "Well....something in music ministry?" I would stumble over my words, unsure of how to even answer that question. I felt the fear of man all over me when it came to that question, afraid of what people would think of my decisions. I remember one day in chapel the speaker was talking about just being faithful to Christ. Ever since that day, that has been kind of my mantra in life. Be faithful to Christ today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Enjoy Christ today. Make Him known today, because we may not have tomorrow on this earth. It has surely been a process of learning to be okay in my own skin and believing that God made me unique with special gifts and talents to be used for His glory.

It had only been a month into my first semester at Southeastern when I discovered that I had lesions on my vocal cords (this was March of 2010). Although this was devastating news to me at the time, I am so grateful now to the Lord for sending me to my voice teacher. He definitely used her to push me to go and get my vocal cords checked out. I went on vocal rest for about 5 months, and went through vocal rehabilitation and voice therapy for the rest of that year. The Lord continues to heal me daily and I have very little problems to this day. During that season, I felt so broken, useless, and I felt a sense of emptiness. I knew that my identity wasn't found in my voice, but you don't realize how much you value something until it's gone. I had to come to grips with the fact my voice might never be restored until eternity, and I had to learn to be okay with that, trusting that God is who He says He is. It may not seem like a big deal to those of you who don't sing, but think about something you wouldn't want to live without, and then think about losing that thing and never getting it back. It really tests your faith. God really used that trial to chisel away some of the impurities in my life and to mold me more into the image of Christ.

Through that whole experience, I not only learned a great deal about the Lord and myself, but I also learned to sing with better technique, and how to take better care of my voice. Over the past two semesters, the Lord has laid on my heart a desire to teach voice so that I can teach correct technique and hopefully encourage others to use their gifts to the glory of God. I wasn't sure how or when I would do it, but God has recently fulfilled that desire. I had someone contact me about giving voice lessons at a local performing arts academy. I accepted the position a few weeks ago and I will start in the fall. I am so excited about this opportunity, but I feel completely ill-equipped and inadequate. I know that God doesn't call us to tasks to just abandon us and leave us to figure everything out on our own. He often calls us to do things that we feel like we are not good at so that He can display more of His glory and power through us.

I am also thankful to the Lord for providing me with a full-time job. That was another surprise that dropped from the heavens. I had been waiting tables for three semesters in grad school, and it came to a point where I was just fed up. I kept crying out to God for direction and pleading with Him to please lead me somewhere else. I couldn't take it anymore. I was just tired of the job, tired of working my tail off and making sometimes less than minimum wage. I was just tired of it all. After I had fully surrendered my worries and anxieties to God, it was literally that same week that I had a woman contact me about taking care of her children. After prayerful consideration and seeking godly counsel, I felt completely confident that this is what the Lord wanted me to do. So, I took a step of faith and accepted the position.

As for continuing seminary in the fall, I haven't quite made a decision yet. I feel like I already have plenty on my plate, and adding classes to the mix might be too overwhelming. I'm excited about the next several months. I've been given the opportunity to serve as a worship leader for two women's retreats in the fall. I am just praying for strength and endurance and that I would faithfully serve Christ and His beautiful Bride.

God's Graciousness to Us

I should be studying for two exams that I have tomorrow, but I can't focus - there's too much on my heart and mind. So that's why I'm writing. I must confess - this has been a rough semester, full of a lot of pain and heartache, struggling and working through my sin. But I haven't been alone, even though there were many times I cried desperately for the Lord, wondering where He was. Although it has been difficult, I see how God has been fighting for me. I have experienced His mercies new every day, no matter how hard I fell. Some days I feel too exhausted, too worn out, too defeated to keep going (I don't mean that in a suicidal way). Thankfully, the Lord loves me too much to let me go and to let me stop fighting to live for Him. Sometimes I wish life were a breeze. I wish I could just coast and not have to fight, not have to struggle or suffer. But Christ loves me way too much to let me coast, to let me keep on sinning without thinking twice about it. He is so gracious to us when He reveals our sin and our weaknesses to us. I think I lost count of how many times I have seen my weaknesses this year. I must say, it is humbling. Very humbling. But I have seen my need for Christ more than ever. I have heard the enemy speak so many lies into my ear, and I have believed many. But again and again, I rise after I have fallen, because of the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ. That is why He died. He didn't die for people who have it all together. He died for the sick, the needy, the murderer, the ungodly and sinner, for the unholy and profane. I am thankful that through Christ, I can change and become more like Him. One of my favorite verses right now is Philippians 1:6, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." This is a promise of His faithfulness to us.

For all you worriers out there...

Today, I praise the God of my salvation, my rock and sustainer. He remains faithful always, despite my faithless ways. I am overwhelmed by His grace and mercy. I am grateful that His love never fails. This week has been extremely hard, spiritually and emotionally. I allowed the cares of this world to pull me down and cause me to take my eyes off of Jesus, my prize. The many times I heard His voice calling out to me to turn to Him, I just pretended not to hear. I chose to deal with stress on my own. Funny how we think we are so strong and powerful to do things on our own, until we realize we can barely stand on our own.

I worry about the future way too much. Sometimes I'll even worry about what's going to happen in the next five minutes. But I love Christ's comforting words in Matthew 6: "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" (v.25-27)

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." (Matt. 6:33)

Something I had to ask myself this morning was, Am I focused on building my kingdom, or God's Kingdom? A lot of times my stress and anxieties stem from trying to make my life work the way I want it to rather than simply doing what God has called me to do. And sometimes what God has called me to do isn't the easiest, but He gives us Christ - everything we need in order to accomplish the tasks. I think the biggest challenge for me right now is enjoying Christ even though life isn't exactly how I'd like it to be. But I know that He is faithful - He always has been and He always will be.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 - "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

A New Perspective

This is kind of long, but I hope you will read it!!

Over the past month, I've been trying to minister to a woman living on the streets, named Tonya. I'll never forget the day I met her. As I was getting ready for work, I grumbled and complained to my parents about how much I didn't like my job and how I wanted so bad to get out of it. I went on and on about it, just letting my heart marinate in my discontent and ungratefulness. Pulling out of my street, I began to pray and ask the Lord to change my heart. God, you've got to change my attitude right now. I can't seem to get out of this funk! It only took just a few minutes for God to answer my prayer. About five minutes from my house, I stopped at a light, waiting to turn onto the interstate. There was a woman standing on the median right next to me holding up a sign that said, "Live on the streets." My heart immediately broke. I know we've all passed judgments on people begging for money, and it's hard to trust if they're really being sincere, but regardless, the Lord used this woman to turn my heart back to Him in that moment. It was a reminder that there are so many people living on the streets with so many needs, and here I was complaining in my comfortable home about a job that the Lord graciously gave me.

I rolled down my window and talked to her for a few minutes. I didn't have any cash on me (as usual) but gave her all the change I had. I asked her what her name was, and I told her I would be praying for her. After I drove off, I broke down crying, asking the Lord to forgive me of my ungratefulness. It's easy to become spoiled in this country. We are surrounded by so much stuff and we fall into a trap of thinking that we need it all - success, a big house, the best clothes, nice cars, ect- in order to be happy. But God has given me abundantly more than all that. He has given me abundantly more than what I deserve. I deserve hell. That's all that I deserve. But God, who is rich in mercy, saved me, not by any righteous deed I've done, but only by His amazing love and kindness. When we were still in our sins, Christ died for the ungodly. What is this love? Why on earth would God give His One and Only Son to die for a wretched sinner like me? This is the remarkable love of Christ. There is no god like this God. Do you know Him? I pray that you do...

For the past several weeks I have been encountering my friend, Tonya. I always seem to find her on the days that I'm either on my way to work or have to be somewhere. I try to talk to her when I can and give her food or money. I had been wanting to take her to get something to eat so that I could sit down with her and listen to her story. Well, this morning God gave me the opportunity I had been asking for. As I was coming home from a doctor's appointment, I saw her standing at her usual spot. I felt the Holy Spirit tugging at my heart to turn around and go get her. And so I did just that. I was kind of nervous about asking her if I could take her to get some breakfast, because I didn't know how she'd respond. But I am so glad I listened to the Holy Spirit.

When she got in my car, I was asking her how she was doing and she said that she was sick with seasonal allergies. I could see her eyes swelling with tears as she talked to me. She needs allergy shots, but she can't afford them every two weeks. I told her that I wanted to hear her story, where she came from, and how she got here. When she told me that she is running from domestic violence, I thought to myself, This woman is in need. Big time. Oh, God, help me to show her Your love today. Somehow. Someway. All I could think about was how my help wouldn't be enough. When I told her that I wish I could do more than just buy her a meal, she told me that she just wants someone to listen to her. Isn't that what we all need sometimes? We just want to know that someone cares enough to listen. Let me tell you something. The Holy Spirit really ministered to my heart in a big way today. Keep reading.

The Lord graciously opened up a door of opportunity for me to share the gospel with her. She said that she is saved and that she talks to God every morning and every night. I pray that she genuinely knows Christ. I told her that the Lord has put her on my heart to tell her that He loves her so much. I just kept telling her over and over about the love of Christ.

After we sat at Burger King for a while, I took her over to Good Will to find her some clothes. She had been wearing the same tattered clothes for a really long time. Thankfully, we found a pair of pants and a shirt that fit her.

The whole time I was with her, I just felt like God had somewhat given me His eyes and His heart to see her the way He does. I just wanted to reach out and touch her and make everything better for her. Please understand that I am not in any way trying to boast in what I did. It is the Lord's compassion that came over me and compelled me to reach out to this woman. I want to help Tonya. She has been created in the very image of God and He loves her as much as He loves you and me. Dropping her off back on the streets was not easy. I find it difficult to just sit back and forget about her, knowing all the things she has been through and will continue to suffer through. I could've been in her situation, but I'm not. It could be me shivering on the cold streets, desperately hoping for someone to lead me out of despair.

Please pray for Tonya. She needs the love of God more than anything. But she also has physical needs. I am praying that the Lord would lead me and show me how to help her. If you are able to do anything, then I would invite you to take part in the mission.

I hope this story can be an encouragement to you today. I pray that the Lord would open our eyes to the world around us. We live in a sin-infected world and cannot escape it. But God has given us the greatest hope and joy in Christ to endure it.

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' (Matthew 25:37-40)

A Surprising Encounter

Yesterday afternoon I went to the school library between classes to write some letters. It didn't take me long though, to realize that it was too beautiful of a day to be inside, so I headed to one of the seminary benches outside. I plopped down, pulled out my writing gear, and got to work, all the while soaking up the sun's warmth and drinking in the cool, crisp air. Little did I know what was about to happen. As I was writing, I could hear footsteps from a distance, cutting across the lawn, and I could tell they were coming towards me. I didn't think anything of it, until a homeless man approached me from the side asking me for 75 cents to buy himself something to eat at Hardee's. I don't usually carry around cash, but I looked in my wallet for some change. I managed to scrape up 56 cents. I handed him the money and he thanked me. Then he asked me a question that I couldn't believe I was hearing. He said, "Can you tell me who Jesus is?" I was like, What!? (I didn't actually say that!) The first thought that came to my mind (and you're probably going to laugh) was, Is this guy undercover for the seminary? I mean he could've been hired by the school to go undercover to report back to all of the staff, letting them know if these seminary students really know how to share their faith. Ha! Probably not, but that was just what was going on in my head. After he asked me that question, I repeated back to him what he was asking, "Who is Jesus?" I think I was dumbfounded, because I've never had anyone flat out ask me who Jesus is! He responded back, "Yeah, I keep hearing people around here talking about Jesus. Who is Jesus?" And so I proceeded to tell him. I told him that Jesus is the Son of God, and then I asked the man if he knew who God is, and so forth. I tried to start at the beginning, explaining the fall and sin and the result of our sin. Before I could finish, the man quickly rejected it, saying that he didn't believe that. He began to tell me about his Muslim friend who believes he will have 13 virgins in the afterlife. I tried explaining to him that there's no guarantee of eternal life for all other religions and that they are all works-based. But if you trust in Jesus, you don't have to work your way to heaven. He has given us a free gift. He kept interjecting and then finally, he didn't want to hear it anymore and said he needed to go. He said he was homeless and needed to eat. He was hungry. So he walked off. I started to cry as I watched him walk away, and felt so burdened for this man whom I just met. I felt like I was watching him through Christ's eyes. The rejection hurt me because I love the gospel so much and I am more and more grateful every day for Christ's saving power over my sin. To hear this man just say, "I don't believe that," cut me deeply, because it was Christ, the One who's name I bear, who was being rejected. His name is John, so please pray for him. Pray that God would heal his blindness and that his heart would not be hardened to the gospel anymore. Pray that he would trust and believe in Jesus Christ, the ONLY WAY. Pray also that God would continue putting the right people in his path. Please...pray.


1 Corinthians 1:18 (ESV) - "For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the POWER OF GOD." Amen.

1 Peter 3:15-16 (ESV) -"but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame."

Sleepless Nights = Deep Thoughts

Okay, so here I am blogging at 1 am. I haven't been keeping up with my blog, but I decided tonight that I'd give it a whirl again. I have so much on my heart and mind that I can't possibly sleep. So many things that God is revealing to me - exciting things that are happening in my heart and life, but also things that burden me deeply. It's overwhelming to think about all of the people I know who don't know Christ. How am I okay with not sharing the gospel with them and how do I sleep at night knowing they are headed to a very real place, called hell, that separates them from God eternally? Why am I comfortable with just me knowing Christ, and not concerned enough to tell others about God's free gift of Salvation? May the Lord give all believers a relentless passion and zeal for Him, treasuring and loving Him, and may Christ's love for us move our hearts to pouring out His love on others.

Something else that God has recently been laying on my heart so heavily is the Body of Christ and the role that it plays in my life. I don't think I've ever felt such a longing to be with the church as I do right now at Providence. I absolutely love my church family, and even though at times I feel small there (because it is a big church), it reminds me that I am just one child in this big family. It pulls me out of my individualistic mindset and instead, points me to a bigger picture- that God designed us to worship Him together, as members of one body. We are not to live this life in isolation and deal with our "stuff" alone, but we are called to "bear[ing] with one another," and "forgive each other." (Colossians 3:12-17). Hebrews 10:24-25 (ESV) says, "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

Lord, thank you for showing me these truths. I pray that the hope of the gospel would penetrate my life through and through. I pray the same for all believers everywhere.